


Thinking Out Loud

by bbabsona



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Addiction, Depression, Lashton - Freeform, M/M, Sad, Self-Harm, first fic, malum
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-04
Updated: 2014-12-04
Packaged: 2018-02-28 03:11:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2716712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbabsona/pseuds/bbabsona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I am frightfully ordinary. Can you learn to love frightfully ordinary?"<br/>I murmured. He almost laughed. "You? You are many things, but you aren't ordinary."</p><p>"But I'm not always remarkable or exciting. What if you get bored one day? I wouldn't be able to handle it."<br/>He pulled me into a tight embrace and muttered,<br/>"You're all I've ever wanted. I wonder if you know just how dangerous that is."</p><p>Basically Ashton gets bad again, Luke comforts him, new feelings come to surface, and it's cute.<br/>** trigger warning after the first chapter **<br/>(I also don't own 5 Seconds of Summer or anything, but that would be pretty awesome. )</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thinking Out Loud

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is my first fic, and I hope it isn't too terrible. My mother suggested I find an outlet for my creative writing considering I love it so much! She obviously doesn't know I like to read and write gay fanfiction, but that's not important. Anyways, I can't be sure how often I will post. I wanna say everyday, but obviously life gets in the way and it's not always possible. So I will try my hardest to get something out once a day, but at least 4 posts a week. I hope y'all enjoy this story and that I don't butcher it as much as I'm thinking I will :)

_It was like time had stopped. Everything was a blur except for him. When he looked down on me with those baby blues, my breath left me. The way his eyelashes curled up in the most adorable way, how she skin around his eyes were crinkling as his smile grew wider and wider, and the way that lip ring him 'him', and the way he would bend down to make his 6'2 self less intimidating, and the way he would embrace you in a hug like you were breakable and delicate and like he wanted to protect you from anything painful. It was all too much and I found myself almost whispering "I love you."_

_I couldn't ruin this moment, though. "What are you thinking about with that big brain of yours?" He glanced down and grinned, that smile slowly fading when he saw my building tears. "You can tell me anything, love." And deep down I knew that, but the outcome I wished for and hoped for and prayed for wasn't a reality and I knew that things would be different once I shared how I felt. "I just don't want this moment to end. I don't want you to end." His lips parted, as if he wasn't expecting such a response, and snapped his mouth shut. We stood in silence for what seemed hours, before he lifted my chin. Those baby blues met mine, and I knew I was done for. I stretched as far as my shorter stature would allow, and guided his head to level with mine. His eyes searched mine for answers, but I had none. Over and over my brain screamed at me to stop while I could, to leave things where they were, but my heart was in control. "I love you", I whispered, and closed the distance between our lips. He was fire and ice. He was the sea and the sky. A walking contradiction._

Then I woke up. 

"Ashton! Get the fuck out of bed, you lazy arse!" 

I glanced at my clock, and realized how late I had overslept. I only had 20 minutes to get ready. 

"Shit. Shit, shit, shit." _Way to start off the first day back to hell._

As I collected my thoughts, I saw dried blood everywhere. I glanced at the fresh cuts on my wrist, and began to rip the sheets off my bed. I didn't want anyone knowing how bad I was getting again. You see, I used to be really bad. Anxiety, depression, self-harm, eating disorder, suicidal thoughts; I was a walking textbook of mental illnesses. My mum found me one day after I tried to end it, and I got stuck on Suicide Watch for 72 hours. After that, I decided I was never, _ever_ going back to that shit hole. I humored my mother by visiting the therapist she sent me to, but after a while I just stopped going. It wasn't helping, and my therapist smelled like cats, which I happen to dislike very much. While re-living the last year of my life, I continued to get ready for school. Brushing my teeth, cleaning up my arm, putting my contacts in, and picked out typical Ashton wear: band tee, black jeans, and Vans. I also grabbed my growing pile of bracelets and shoved them on my wrists, covering all the scars. As I pulled my shirt over my head and my pants on, I avoided the mirror, it was too depressing. I had a little pudge on my belly and thick thighs, and it bothers me so much. I sighed as I though of _all_ the things I dislike about myself. It was a never-ending list. My teeth, my legs, my arms, my stomach, my chest, my hair - "Ashton, get down here! We need to leave in 5 minutes." Pulling me out of my self-loath, I finished up and grabbed my backpack, and trudged down stairs. This was the first day of my senior year, and I couldn't be more stressed.

I only have one friend, Luke, and he is the only person I can rely on in my life. I know everything about him, and he knows me inside and out. I trust him with my life, and would rather be with him than anyone else. However, last year my feelings turned less _platonic_ , and more romantic. After freaking out when I came to this realization, I distanced myself from him and we grew apart. Over the summer we mended our friendship, and while I consistently dream about his fucking _lip ring_ , I have learned it's not going to happen. If I didn't have Luke, I would home school. He is the only reason I get up at the ass-crack of dawn and go to a hell hole where everyone hates me. 

After cramming a piece of toast down my throat and washing it down with some water, I grabbed my bag and walked out of the house with my mum. After we settled in the car, she gave me a small smile. Even though I do most things behind her back, I love her and know she cares about me. I return the smile, and stare out the window for the rest of the ride.  
This was going to be a terrible day.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I hope the first chapter was okay, I'm still getting used to using Archive of Our Own, so everything is confusing! Anyways, in a couple of chapters you will find out in detail why Ashton hurts himself, and why he is so sad. Thanks for reading and I'll try to update as soon as possible!


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